When Respect Isn’t Returned
Breaking the Cycle of One -Sided Effort.
The moment I finally saw the pattern was repeating.
The Moment I Recognised My Own Pattern
It wasn’t the disappointing date that left a mark.
It was the way I walked away still justifying his behaviour.
He talked over me. Dismissed what I said.
Offered charm without presence - and I called it “nerves.”
I told myself I was being kind, understanding, patient.
But really, I was being what I’d always been: The one who holds the emotional weight so others don’t have to.
And that’s the moment I finally saw the pattern.
When You’re the Only One Trying
For years, I thought being kind no matter what made me strong.
That empathy meant accepting crumbs, and if I just gave people enough space, they’d meet me where I was.
But in Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, she puts it plainly:
“When being in love means being in pain, we are loving too much.”
I wasn’t choosing love. I was choosing emotional labour and hoping it would be enough to make me feel chosen.
Why You Keep Excusing the Bare Minimum
Reading Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller brought up a lot of discomfort - the kind that comes with truth. I realised the “spark” I often felt in new connections wasn’t chemistry. It was anxiety.
What I’d called attraction was often a reaction to emotional unavailability.
I wasn’t connecting. I was chasing. Trying to decode vague messages and waiting to be prioritised.
And it wasn’t just romantic. This showed up everywhere.
Walking away from one-sided effort
When You Normalise Disrespect
It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula helped me name what I’d been tolerating for years.
She talks about how emotional manipulation thrives when we keep explaining things away.
“We teach people how to treat us when we excuse the inexcusable.”
That line hit hard!
Because I thought I was being patient. But I was really just afraid to set standards.
Boundaries Aren’t Harsh - They’re Clarity
How You Feel by James Tresilian taught me something I wish I’d known in my 20s:
My emotions aren’t dramatic. They’re data.
When I felt dismissed, it wasn’t because I was “too sensitive.”
It was because I was in environments where respect was optional -and I stayed.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re clarity.
They tell the truth about what works for us - and what doesn’t.
What Self-Worth Sounds Like
After that date, I opened the Self-Worth Reset Workbook - a resource I’d built for women like me but hadn’t really used for myself in a while.
The first prompt was:
“Where are you giving more than you’re receiving?”
I stared at the page. The answer was: almost everywhere.
This workbook isn’t some heavy emotional project.
It’s a quiet space to reflect on what you’ve normalised, what you need, and what you’re no longer available for.
If you’re tired of journaling that goes nowhere - start here. It actually shifts things.
Download The Self-worth Reset Workbook now!
Dating Without Self-Abandonment
Love Life by Matthew Hussey isn’t just dating advice, it’s emotional clarity.
It reminded me that I don’t have to shrink or adjust to keep someone’s interest. I don’t need to “play it cool” or earn consistency.
You’re not asking for too much when you ask for emotional maturity. You’re asking the wrong person if they make you feel like you are.
Relationships That Don’t Require Shrinking
It’s Not Me, It’s You by John Kim and Vanessa Bennett gave me something I didn’t know I needed: permission to stop performing in relationships.
They talk about how real love can only exist between two fully expressed people.
- Not the version of you that’s easy to be around.
- Not the one who bends to keep the peace.
The actual you - voice, needs, boundaries, and all.
I don’t have to shrink or adjust to keep someone’s interest.
Redefining Love From Self-Worth
The Eight Rules of Love by Jay Shetty helped me let go of the idea that love is supposed to be complicated.
He writes that love should feel safe. And that when we know our worth, we stop chasing and start choosing.
That changed everything!
Love doesn’t need to feel like emotional tightrope walking.
When you build it from self-respect, it feels steady - not dramatic.
A New Standard
These days, I check for energy - not chemistry.
I pay attention to how I feel in someone’s presence.
If I feel small, I step back.
If I feel drained, I stop pushing.
If I feel like I’m doing all the emotional lifting, I let go - early.
Self-worth doesn’t argue!
It doesn’t explain!
It leaves where respect isn’t mutual!
Check for energy - not chemistry.
If This Sounds Familiar…
Maybe you’ve been there too - the one holding it all together, giving others the benefit of the doubt while never giving yourself the same grace.
Maybe you’ve stayed too long, tolerated too much, and felt like asking for more made you difficult.
It doesn’t.
Start Your Reset Here
The Self-Worth Reset Workbook is free, private, and created for women who are ready to stop proving and start choosing.
No fluff. No pressure. Just prompts that help you hear yourself again.
The Books That Changed Everything
These are the exact books that helped me break the cycle of overgiving, start listening to my gut, and rebuild from self-respect:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood - the clearest mirror of emotional overgiving
Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - helped me stop chasing unavailability
It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula - named the toxic dynamics I kept excusing
How You Feel by James Tresilian - reframed my emotions as intelligence, not inconvenience
Love Life by Matthew Hussey - reminded me dating should never cost me my voice
It’s Not Me, It’s You by John Kim & Vanessa Bennett - gave me tools for conscious relationships
The Eight Rules of Love by Jay Shetty - showed me that love built from self-worth looks completely different
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With love,
Nicky ❤️
