The Day I Chose Me: Rebuilding After Breakdown, Betrayal, and Burnout
For years, I lived a life that looked good from the outside. I was the smiling wife, the full-time carer, the business owner, the woman who always coped.
But inside? I was slowly disappearing.
This is my story of losing everything, and finally finding myself.
A Childhood of Hidden Lessons
As Dr. Gabor Maté says in The Myth of Normal, “The child can’t afford the loss of attachment, so they give up their authenticity to maintain the relationship.”
That quote stuck with me, because it perfectly explains how we internalise the need to be agreeable, to stay quiet, to fit the mould.
I was raised as an only child by a loving mum and dad. It was, on the surface, a lovely upbringing. But over time, I began to recognise the quiet conditioning behind the kind smiles and good intentions. Messages like “be happy with what you’ve got,” and “can’t you just be quiet and accept things?” became the unspoken rules I carried into adulthood.
Rules that would shape my choices, and cost me dearly.
Two Marriages and a Pattern I Couldn’t See
I married at 18. I thought it was right because it followed the old traditions: he asked my dad’s permission, we moved abroad with the military, and I became a mum in Germany with no support network. I just got on with it, like I’d always been taught.
That marriage ended after seven years.
Later, I remarried. My second husband and I had a good life. We even stayed friends after our divorce. But a pattern was emerging: every ten years or so, I felt this deep restlessness. A sense that life was happening to me instead of being created by me.
Broken. Exhausted. Lost… but still here!
The Relationship That Broke Me
And here’s something I’ve never shared before: not long after I walked away, news reached me that stopped me in my tracks - he had been arrested. The charges? Fraud on an international scale, connected to Europe, with Interpol among the authorities closing in.
I remember thinking, OMG, this is like something straight out of a soap opera, and silently thanking my lucky stars I had left when I did. I wasn’t involved in any of it - but what shook me most was the question that kept running through my head: How did I not see this coming? Why didn’t I realise what was really going on?
At the time, I felt so stupid for ever getting involved with someone like this. How did I not see it? Looking back now, the signs were all there - but hindsight is a great thing. Since then, I’ve met and chatted to so many women (and men too!) who have fallen victim to this kind of toxic, manipulative behaviour, hearing their stories made me realise I wasn’t alone.
It’s far more common than we think, and it can happen to anyone, no matter how smart, strong, or independent they are.
I praise myself daily for leaving when I did. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed?
From Businesswoman to Rock Bottom
Mel Robbins once said, “You are one decision away from a completely different life.” For me, that decision came quietly. Not as a grand gesture, but as a whisper: enough.
And as Susan Jeffers reminds us in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.”
I realised that fear wasn’t my stop sign—it was my signal to take the first step.
I moved out. I tried to hold my business together while managing caring responsibilities, legal battles, and financial sabotage from my ex. I was exhausted.
Eventually, I walked away from my interior design business. I was working 14-hour days, barely surviving Brexit supply issues, and grieving the loss of my dad who passed away two days before Christmas.
I entered what I call my "cave" a time of deep grief, shame, and numbness.
But the cave gave me stillness. And stillness gave me space to ask the scariest, most powerful question:
“Is this how I want to live?”
Finding Myself (One Step at a Time)
From that question came a slow, gentle rebuild. I started reading again. One book “A Year of Mystical Thinking”- sparked a series of small actions: yoga, breathwork, asking for help, connecting with myself.
I travelled to India. I called it my journey back to self.
Standing before the Golden Temple in Amritsar, I felt time pause. The colours, the chanting, the stillness of the water—it was breathtaking. Travelling to India alone was more than a trip; it was a life-changing journey that reminded me how small we are in this vast, beautiful world… and how much magic waits when we step into it. ✨🇮🇳
The journey back to myself.
When I returned, I found myself back in another relationship that turned sour. Fast. My friend saw it before I did. She asked, “If you had no money worries, what would you do?” I said, “I’d leave.” She replied, “Pack your bags. I’m coming to get you.”
I did. I left. Again!
As Mark Wolynn writes in It Didn’t Start With You, “Traumas we don’t fully resolve are left for our children to inherit.” Recognising this made my decision even clearer: I wasn’t just walking away for myself, I was breaking the cycle for the generations after me.Homeless, Hopeful, and Rebuilding
I spent six months technically homeless, staying with friends, in Airb&bs, even in my camper van. I had sold everything. I started again with nothing. Facebook Marketplace became my best friend. I manifested every item in my new place. A sofa for £40, and lots of Freebies. And a home filled with love and intention.
During that time, I also started my coaching practice. I realised I wanted to help other women in the cave. Women who felt stuck in roles that no longer fit. Women who kept giving and shrinking and hoping things would magically change.
The Confidence I Didn't Know I Needed
In February, I was overjoyed to land myself a part-time job at Weymouth College in the sports department. I didn’t realise how much I needed it. Talking to people again. Being part of a team. Rebuilding my confidence not just as a coach, but as a woman reclaiming her voice.
Coaching is now my calling. Not because I have it all figured out, but because I know what it’s like to feel lost, voiceless, and not enough.
And I know the way out!
Love my job at Weymouth College Sportshall
An Unexpected Twist
Around six months after my dad passed away, I was contacted by a genealogist working with a client on their family tree. She believed there might be a connection with me. What followed was a surprising discovery: I had found my birth father.
I reached out. And I realised—my family was about to grow.
(More on this in a future blog post).
What I’ve Learned
As Brené Brown beautifully puts it in Rising Strong, “Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty.”
That quote reminds me of how choosing myself and asking “what do I need?” meant leaning into vulnerability, not running from it.
I know some of these moments may seem intense or dramatic, but I share them openly because I believe in the power of real stories. Over the coming months, I’ll be deep-diving into some of these chapters, especially the relationships that nearly broke me, the unexpected discovery of my birth father, and how I learned to rebuild from the inside out. I want you, the reader, to feel seen in the messiness and strength of your own journey too.
Your body will whisper before it screams—listen to it.
It’s OK to sit in the mess before you find the message.
You are never too old, too late, or too broken to start again.
Most of all: it’s safe to choose yourself.
And everything began to change!
The day I stopped trying to fix everyone else and asked, “What do I need?” was the day everything began to change.
This is the work I now do with my clients. This is the path back to you.
And if you're ready to take that first step—I’m right here!
What I’ve shared here is a truthful account from my own memories, experiences, and perspective. Others involved may remember events differently. My intention is not to harm or accuse, but to offer my journey as a source of connection, learning, and hope for those who may relate.
Let’s rebuild you together. 💗
Referenced Books & Authors:
A year of Mystical Thinking, Make Life Feel Magical Again by Emma Howarth
The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté on childhood conditioning and emotional suppression
The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins — on breaking cycles and reclaiming personal power
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action
Rising Strong by Brené Brown — on vulnerability, growth, and self-trust
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Dr. Ramani Durvasula — on recognising narcissistic abuse
It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn — on inherited trauma and family patterns (honourable mention)
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With love,
Nicky ❤️
